


i don't wanna keep secrets just to keep you

by foxesjosten



Category: The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: I promise, M/M, Secrets, charles and alastairs relationship is only mentioned, secrets secrets arent fun unless you share with everyone, slight angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-01
Updated: 2020-05-01
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:21:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,147
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23937565
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/foxesjosten/pseuds/foxesjosten
Summary: Being kept a secret once again is starting to weigh on Alastair.
Relationships: Alastair Carstairs/Charles Fairchild, Alastair Carstairs/Thomas Lightwood
Comments: 8
Kudos: 213





	i don't wanna keep secrets just to keep you

**Author's Note:**

> inspired by cruel summer by taylor swift, specifically the bridge

If Alastair Carstairs had said that making out in broom closets and sneaking into deserted Institute bedrooms with Thomas Lightwood would never lose its charm, he would have been wrong. The magic was wearing off, if magic was what it had been. The thrill of the secrecy was fading fast. Maybe it was a good thing that he never voiced that particular kind of thought. Alastair had always hated being wrong after all. 

“I cannot do this anymore, Lightwood.” Alastairs says as he breaks away from a kiss. They had ducked into another one of the empty rooms at the London Institute when they’d realized the coast was clear. There wasn’t a Herondale or a Fairchild in sight and yet, Alastair was calling things to a stop.

“You want to stop already?” Thomas asks. “We only just started.”

“Not kissing, you dolt. I mean that I can no longer be a part of whatever it is we have been doing for the last few weeks.” Alastair says.

“Y-you no longer wish to be with me?” Thomas stutters. Alastair can tell that he has taken him by surprise which is understandable under the circumstances. The circumstances, of course, being the pair being in the middle of making out.

“Yes, I mean no! I just,” Alastair starts as he takes a step back from Thomas, “I cannot sneak around like this. I am not going to be someone’s secret once again. I will not do it, even if that means that all of this is over.”

The last thing he wanted was to end things with Thomas. After the two had made amends over the cruel things Alastair had once said as an angry young man, they’d grown close. Thomas found himself sneaking away from his friends to spend time with Alastair. It didn’t take long for tension to build between the pair again as it once had in Paris. This time, however, they had both picked up on what this tension actually was. Not only had they picked up on it, but they had decided to do something about it. Alastair had made some snarky remark along the lines of, “You might as well just kiss me and get it over with, Lightwood” and Thomas decided that there would be no better time to make a move. Things escalated rather quickly after that.

“What do you mean by ‘again’, Alastair?” Thomas asks. 

Alastair looks away from the other boy. He hadn’t meant to say it like that, but he’d panicked. Working up the nerve to finally drop this bomb on Thomas had been hard enough. Alastair forgot that a conversation would follow. He was most definitely not ready for this type of conversation.

“Please say something.” Thomas begs, taking a step towards Alastair in an attempt to close the gap between them once again. 

Alastair takes another step away in response. His close proximity to Thomas was only making this harder. If he stepped away he would be safe, he thinks. But he knows that there is no safe ground in a conversation like this. Alastair also knows that saying what he said demands an explanation. He at least owes Thomas this. “I was seeing Charles, if one could even refer to it as such. I knew going into it that I was not going to be able to have what I wanted in the end, but I thought I would get over it. I did not. All sneaking around with Charles did was bring unhappiness.”

He expects shock from the taller boy. He expects outrage and a flurry of confused questions, but he doesn’t get any of that. The only thing Thomas directs towards him is a gaze filled with concern and a hint of sadness.

“I did have my suspicions.” Thomas says. “That something was going on between the two of you, I mean. I saw the way you both looked at each other. I assumed I was reading too far into things. I see that I was wrong.”

“Charles did not look at me the way I looked at him. I know that much.” Alastair says. There had been something between the two, yes, but Alastair knows now that he and Charles had not felt the exact same things towards each other. 

“Were you two…” Thomas trails off.

“Were we what, Lightwood?” Alastair asks, impatience coloring his voice. He can’t remember the last time he had been snarky towards Thomas besides in a joking manner. Alastair can only attribute this quick change to the topic at hand. Charles always had a way of bringing out the worst in him. 

“Were you in love?” Thomas finally inquires.

Alastair laughs cooly. He wants to cut this conversation off right here. In the months since he and Thomas had reunited, he found it easy to be around the other boy. He found it easy to tell Thomas things he wouldn’t tell anyone else. He had been letting his walls down without even realizing it. Now, however, those same walls were begging to be built back up. Something in his head was screaming at him to push Thomas away the way he should have pushed Charles away. And yet, he finds the need to continue. “Love? Sure, I suppose there was love between the two of us. Although, I wouldn’t say that a lot of it came from Charles’ end.”

“Why do you say that? Did the two of you never express such feelings?” Thomas asks.

“Oh, we expressed those types of feelings.” Alastair laughs again, this one colder than the last. Was he strong enough to keep speaking on this topic? Alastair’s relationship with Charles had affected him more than he would have liked to admit. The mere thought of Charles made him feel as though he had to shut down in order to protect himself. If the conversation continued on this dangerous path, Thomas would soon be on the outside of Alastair’s walls once again. 

“I don’t understand.” Thomas says. There’s desperation in his voice. Alastair knows that he has picked up on how touchy of a subject this was for him. He knew that the only reason Thomas was pushing the slight bit he was is due to the fact that he wants to help. That was Thomas, always ready and willing to help someone at their lowest and most embarrassing points. That quality alone makes Alastair want to push through the rest of this conversation. He wants Thomas to know why he was no longer okay with their agreement. He needed Thomas to know why this was no longer okay.

“I told Charles that I loved him. Multiple times actually. It was said between the two of us, if that is what you have been trying to get at.” Alastair says. “I did indeed tell Charles Fairchild that I loved him and of course you do not understand because you don’t truly understand Charles. Sure, you have practically known him since infancy, but that doesn’t mean that you understand him.”

“So explain him to me,” Thomas pleads. “Make me understand this side of Charles that I can’t quite seem to grasp.”

Charles Fairchild dreamt a politician’s future, which meant his idea of a perfect life was filled with lies and empty promises. Perhaps that alone should have tipped Alastair off. But like he had said, there was another side to Charles. How does one go about explaining a side of a person most people had never seen? Alastair isn’t sure that anyone besides him had seen this side of Charles, the most truthful side of Charles. That side of the other boy was what kept Alastair hanging around like a fool. An occasional honest confession, the brush of a hand, stolen kisses in dark places. The hope that maybe one day Charles would love him out loud. _That_ was a side of Charles that nobody, not even Alastair, would ever see.

“What you need to understand about Charles is that he was quite different around me sometimes. For all the bad that came of our arraignment, there was also some good. There was a softness reserved for only myself. There were times when the thought of a future with him seemed bright. The problems came when I began to overestimate how much good there truly was.” Alastair explains. 

“You said that the two of you had expressed your love in words, did you not? Was that a part of the good?” Thomas asks calmly. Alastair doesn’t know what he expected from Thomas during a conversation like this, but it wasn’t calm. He should have though. He did not have much of a reason to doubt Thomas. 

“It was not good the first time I said it. I hadn’t even meant to say it when I did, but I let it slip.” Alastair begins. “He recoiled from me as if I had jabbed a weapon towards him. Almost knocked a chair over as he retreated to the other side of the room. We were alone and yet he was still scared of anyone hearing. I remember thinking that he was the one who did not want to hear it. A part of me wanted to flee at once, but the other part of me wanted to say it again. So I did. I said it again, louder this time. He came back towards me trying to hush me this time.” 

Alastair stops. This particular memory feels strong enough to knock some of the wind out of him. He can almost feel Charles’ hand placed over his mouth once again. He can feel the same anxious flames burning in a hole in his chest as he had that night. Everything in Alastair is begging him to stop. But he had already gotten this far. There was no stopping this story now. 

“I recall saying, ‘You act as if my declaration is one of the worst things you have ever heard. Is the idea of my love truly that dreadful?’ He said it wasn’t, but he wasn’t done trying to silence me. He begged me to quiet down, saying that I was hysterical. The fire in me went out almost as soon as it had sparked. I did not want to fight. Charles said that this incident was not a reflection on his feelings, but he still had a future to think about. That is the side of Charles you know. You know the boy who would do anything to achieve the goals he has for himself. And perhaps that is the same boy I knew. Maybe Charles did not have as many sides as I once thought he had. I had always admired the side I assumed he had reserved for myself only, but perhaps that was not a different side at all. His future is all the matters to him in the end. He never outright said that I was not a part of that future, but at my sister’s engagement party I made sure to let him know that I would not be a part of it.” Alastair finishes.

“You broke things off between yourself and Charles that night?” Thomas asks. Alastair sees the beginnings of realization flash in Thomas’ eyes. He wondered if Thomas was adding this new information up with the old information. Had Thomas put together the wretched things that happened that night almost directly in succession of one another?

“The same night that Fairchild told you about the things I had said to him, yes.” Alastair confirms. 

“Alastair…” Thomas starts. This time he takes two steps towards Alastair. Things had been rough between the two of them for a while after Thomas had learned of what Alastair had said to Matthew, but he hadn’t known that it wasn’t the only fight the other boy had been in that night. Thomas wondered if Alastair had broken things off with Charles before or after Thomas himself had, in a sense, broken things off with Alastair. 

“Back to where this conversation began: I will not be a secret again. I don’t want to,” Alastair pauses. “I don’t want to lose you, Thomas. But I cannot continue on like this. I’m sorry.”

Alastair wonders if Thomas can see the effort it is taking him to do this. He’d kept his hands in two fists down at his sides to hide how badly they were shaking. Being with Thomas was nothing like being with Charles. The secrecy had been fun and intimate. This secret had never felt dirty the way it did with Charles. But a secret was a secret nonetheless. It was starting to take a toll on him and it had to end. No matter how tightly Alastair wanted to hold on to Thomas.

“Look at me, Alastair.” Thomas says. He is finally close enough to reach out towards the other boy. He slowly reaches down and cups Alastair’s face in his hands. “You are not going to lose me. I never wanted to keep this hidden. Truly, I only went along with all of this secrecy and sneaking around to get the chance to be with you. I did not think you would have wanted everyone to know about this.” 

Alastair isn’t sure what is more shocking, the fact that Thomas wants to be with him publicly or the fact that he assumed Alastair had wanted to hide him. “You thought _I_ wanted to hide _you_? Why on Earth would I ever want to do such a thing?” 

Thomas shrugs as he slides one hand away from Alastair’s face, leaving the other one still against his cheek. “I did not think you would have wanted to risk your reputation for me.”

“Risk my reputation?” Alastair asks. “To hell with my reputation, I would risk everything for this.” 

He had not meant to let that much slip. Alastair instantly feels like he’s back in time, with Charles at his side instead of Thomas. He had already seen this story play out once and he was not ready to be a part of the second production of it. He had said too much and now Thomas was going to run.

But he doesn’t. Thomas does not budge. Instead, he begins to stroke Alastair’s face with the thumb of the hand still placed there. “I, too, would risk it all for this. For us. Alastair, I am going to say something and I do not need you to return the sentiment, but it has to be said.”

Alastair nods at this. Whatever could Thomas be prepared to say?

“I love you, Alastair Carstairs. I love you and I am not going anywhere. I will stay with you till the end of our days if you will have me.” Thomas confesses.

“You… You love me?” Alastair asks. His head is spinning. He had definitely not expected a confession of this sort at the start of this conversation. 

“As I said, you do not have to return the sentiment, but all this talk about secrets has made me very truthful. I needed you to know my truth. If this is too much for you, I can l-”.

“I love you.” Alastair blurts out. 

“You do?” Thomas asks, shock dancing across his face.

“Yes. I think I’ve loved you for quite some time now.” Alastair admits. “And you are right, I talked a lot about how I no longer wanted any secrets. I needed you to know my truth as well. My love for you is true, Thomas Lightwood.”

Alastair hadn’t realized how badly he had needed to say those words. He knew he needed to hear the words that had come from Thomas because of his past with Charles, but he did not expect the feeling that came along with his confession. Alastair felt light for the first time in ages. Loving Thomas out in the open had lifted a weight off of his shoulders. The only thing he needed now was to resume the kiss he had originally broken off.

As if Thomas could read his mind, the taller boy cups Alastair’s face in his hands once again and places a kiss on his lips. This kiss, however, is much different than the others the pair had shared in their short time together. It is slow and deliberate, but no less fiery. They no longer have a need to rush this. This was the type of kiss that said, “I plan to learn the layout of your lips, the map of your body,” rather than, “We have little time and will burn out quickly.”

“The others will probably be returning soon.” Thomas says, against Alastair’s lips. “Why don’t we start by telling them?”

Alastair peers up at Thomas. He had not been expecting Thomas to take this step so quickly, but once again, he should have. Once again Alastair thinks that he never had a reason to doubt him. He said he was done keeping Alastair a secret and he truly meant it. “Yes, I would like that very much. However, Fairchild better keep his unsavory comments to himself.”

Thomas laughs as he lowers his hands from Alastair’s face. “I cannot promise anything when it comes to Matthew. Or Christopher for that matter.”

“For all we know one of them has already picked up on our situation.” Alastair says back as he slides a hand into Thomas’. “I think my money is on Christopher.”

Thomas stares down at their intertwined hands. The pair had never been the hand holding kind solely because they were never allowed to be. There had been no discreet way to grab hold of Alastair’s hand in public. Now, though, they had decided to throw discreet directly out the window. “Christopher, really? He did not pick up on some very obvious flirtation from an Iblis demon. I would say that we flew under his radar. I would have to guess that Lucie has zeroed in our relationship. Don’t be surprised if we are in the next installment of _The Beautiful Cordelia._ ”

“Huh, quite a lot to unpack there. Perhaps we should start with the Iblis demon flirtation and make our way to _The Beautiful Cordelia._ ” Alastair says.

“Oh, just wait until you hear about Cruel Prince James.” Thomas chuckles.

Alastair laughs too, their joint laughter blending together into a symphony of some sort. Alastair is sure it’s the most beautiful thing he’s heard in his life thus far. The slamming of the Institute door shakes Alastair from his thoughts.

“That must be the rest of The Merry Thieves home once more. Well, come along.” Thomas says, tugging at Alastair’s hand. “Let me tell them all about you.”

Alastair smiles as he lets Thomas pull him from the shadows of the empty room. They no longer had use from broom closets or hiding spots. It was now their time to love in the light.

**Author's Note:**

> hey guys i hope you liked this! i've wanted to write thomas and alastair since i read chain of gold and when i was listening to cruel summer i got inspired soooo!! thank you so much for reading and if yall like this hopefully i can write them again!!
> 
> follow me on social media!  
> twitter: lightwoodfrays  
> curiouscat: strayminhos  
> tumblr: foxesjostens


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